Crack In The Facade

I am being forced to question a lot of the ideals in my life -- what do I truly want out of life, what are my goals, what is my motivation?

I have always been introspective, oftentimes to a fault, I am sure. I can become overly brooding and moody when left to my own devices. Most people do not see this side of me as I can be an extrovert when needed. And for the past couple years, especially during the time frame since I started escorting, I have conveniently focused on the extrovert side and ignored my nagging thoughts about my inner self.

"Where are you going?"

"What matters to you?"

"What do you contribute to the world?"

"Do you truly care about anything?"


It is so easy to flit through life, aimless but for the goal of getting through the next day, the next week, paying off this month's bills. With no goals, it is easy to scoff at the idea of a relationship. Why would I need or want one? Every second, every minute of every day is all about me, right here, right now. This mindset does not bother me. Not really. Not very much. Maybe a little.

Maybe even a lot. I just do not want to see it.

Safe Sex

A little musing based on Stretch's comment on my previous post:

I find that I have practiced far safer sex as an escort than I ever did in my normal life. Thinking of my non-escort female friends, promiscious and not, I am 100% positive that I practice the safest casual sex of any woman I know.

As I said, at this point not everything is 100% covered, but, for example, I never even considered giving a blowjob with a condom on before this profession; since I started escorting, I frequently, but clearly not always, give covered blowjobs.

I also had lots of unprotected sex before I escorted, with little discussion or proof of good health beforehand. Usually my partner and I would talk about it very briefly, and occasionally only after the deed had been done without a condom.

Certainly my moves back then were unwise, but I think that girls who work in the sex industry tend to, as a whole, practice much safer sex than girls who do not.

I have also dated two men who, despite having had the STD talk, told me months into our respective relationships that they had STDs which they had failed to previously disclose to me on the grounds that they were "cured". Except the reason each guy brought it up was that he was having a recurrence of it, and it was not until then that he felt he had to tell me. I had unprotected sex with each of them for months before either one told me. There's safety for you.

Condoms can break whether you are a prostitute or not, so that risk is just something that comes with having sex, period. There is, however, a scumbag move that some guys try to pull: they already have the condom on, but once they are behind you doggie style, they remove the condom to sneak in some unprotected sex. The only guy who ever tried this on me was someone I dated. I have never had a client do it, and believe me, I always check.

I also get checked more frequently for STDs now, and I pay very close attention to the scheduling of my tests. When I went in for my first test once I started escorting, I could not honestly remember the last time I had been tested before then. I knew that I got them once a year during my annual ob/gyn appointment, but they were not overly comprehensive, and I could not even remember the month of my last appointment. (I certainly got tested, and cleared, for the STDs that my boyfriends mentioned above had likely exposed me to.) Now I know the day of my last tests, which are very comprehensive, and the day of my next ones.

Yes, I have more sex now than I did before I escorted, but I also have much safer sex. When I think of the most risky sex I have had, it has all been outside of escorting.

I suppose all that is to say: escorts are not automatically dirty whores. Professional escorts, as a group, are probably a lot cleaner and safer about sex than your average girl.

STDs Are Scary

I am going through a bout of extreme fear over contracting an STD. Any STD would be bad, and of course HIV would be the worst, but right now I am fretting over the idea of herpes. I do not believe I have it, but life would be horrible if I somehow contracted it.

After realizing that my throat has been horrifically inflamed from three consecutive days of deep-throat, uncovered blowjobs with three different men, I am losing it. I do not normally have more than one appointment per week, so this possibility never occurred to me before now. I am going to have to take a break from working (and from fooling around with Robert Redford) until my throat heals.

In the meantime I have nearly been scared straight. I stared down my throat with a flashlight and a hand-mirror for far longer than was good for my mental health. I feel as though I could have seen a lesion, but really it is so hard to distinguish much while you are holding a flashlight with one hand, a mirror with another, and you are saying "ahh" while trying to hold the mirror steady and shine light on all the cracks and crevices deep in your throat, all the while torturing yourself with thoughts of your carelessness and how it could lead to the stigma of, god forbid, an STD.

I will go to the clinic tomorrow, though if I caught anything in the past few days it is almost certainly too early to tell. My throat was probably already severely irritated as of Friday night, and I had oral contact with two other men since then, which only made it worse. I do not allow them to come in my mouth, but today's client oh-so-thoughtfully declined to inform me when he was coming and so I am sure some small bit made it down the hatch. As much as I hate to do it, I will probably be instituting a policy of covered blowjobs (which means: with a condom on), no exceptions.

On top of all this, with last night's client, the condom broke. He did not come inside me, but this is still all too much for me to bear. Perhaps the risks inherent with this job are too extreme for me. Perhaps I need to manage my risks much more carefully.

I am so extremely paranoid right now that I feel as though I should not risk any more sex with strange men, or any men for that matter. A break is definitely in order, though I have to work out how to explain to Robert Redford my sudden reticence at engaging in all things oral. We have two dates scheduled over the next week and while I may be able to explain things away on one night, I cannot for the life of me come up with an innocuous explanation for why I cannot use my mouth for an entire week.

Be Careful

I am having an intense battle with myself regarding work vs. Robert Redford. Up to now, neither he nor I have consented to dating anyone for an extended period of time, mainly for the same reasons: We do not want to waste our time in unfulfilling relationships. So then, why are we seeing each other? If it is because either of us sees that there may be something more intense, more lasting here, well, that is a bit scary.

And through our conversations and time together, I have learned that he is a man who fully respects women and does not take sex lightly. I am completely intimidated by this. To be honest, I have never dated a man who took the time to establish my boundaries before the deed; in fact, I have never really dated a man without sex involved in one of our first meetings.

While I am careful in my work, I am not ultra-conservative regarding safety. I do not use dental dams or latex gloves, I do not always use condoms during blowjobs. Sex, of course, never happens without a condom. I understand the risks associated with my decisions and accept them.

Except now, I am getting worried. If Robert Redford and I take this further, and I keep working, I would not be okay with the risk of contracting an STD. He and I have talked about testing and when our last tests were conducted. If I came down with something, it would be obvious that at the very least I was "cheating" on him (another topic entirely). So if I plan to continue working, I would have to move toward keeping everything completely covered -- and even then I think I would be nervous.

I apologize if I am rambling. I am just very confused. I am trying to plan extended engagements, confirm travel trips over the next couple months, set up meetings with girls who are coming into town, and work on business and accounting strategies. Besides all this, I need the cash. The thought of turning off the pipeline anytime soon just bewilders me -- what would I do? Not only would I need a replacement for the money, but do I really want to give up running the business that I do?

I will have to make a choice. I think Robert Redford is a worthy addition to my life; one that I am not quite willing to pass up. I made the decision to go after him and now I have to consider the consequences.

Either I will give up escorting and give Robert Redford a shot, or I will become a much different person than I have ever been up to this point -- living a life based on deceit and lies. There are very few lies I have to tell to cover up my current situation. I work enough at my other business to cover for the money I make, which all goes to paying off debt anyway, and I spend so little time with any single person that nobody notices how often I go on dates. My current level of fear of getting caught is quite low, not only because of the precautions I take, but also because there is nobody around who would be particularly hurt by my lifestyle. Put off, maybe, but not in a way that would affect them personally. Bringing a relationship into the equation means that someone else could be severely affected should I be discovered.

I have begun looking for a straight job, partially in order to help pay off my debt faster, but the prospect depresses me mightily. Not so much because of the change in earning power -- I am less concerned with earning power than with the actual dollars brought in each month -- but because I am an entrepreneur at heart. This business fills that need.

It probably would not be too hard to find a job that pays, monthly, what I have been averaging since I came into my own. As I have said, I am low-volume, and while I bring in much more money than I ever did in previous jobs, my income is not outrageous.

It appears that I have a lot to think about. In the meantime, I must get ready for tonight's appointment.

Getting Bored

Bored probably is not the correct term. Disillusioned? No, I do not think this is correct either. But I am not as engrossed in escorting as I imagined I might be by this point. Part of it is Robert Redford; I find myself holding a lot back because of his presence in my life. Part of it is just the boredom that sets in once the novelty of anything I do wears off.

I really did not want to go to tonight's appointment. It had been planned several weeks in advance and was an extended engagement, so I really could not cancel (plus, I have been counting on the money for this month's income). As I sat at home awaiting the time frame when I would start getting ready, I felt such extreme apathy about the date that I was almost startled at myself.

Getting ready and making my way to the appointment site felt like pure ritual. Perhaps because casual attire was requested -- I prefer dressing up, as it feels more like a special occasion and less like work.

When I met my date, I was on, but as usual, in the middle of sex, I became pensive. Snapped out of "call girl" mode and into "girl next door" mode. I wished it were Robert Redford I was with. I thought about how much I dislike certain types of sex, and whether it really was worth it to be laying on my back taking a severe pounding from someone who, for all intents and purposes, was a stranger. Granted, we had spent a good 90 minutes chatting and relaxing over wine before we got down to business, but realistically we were strangers to each other.

Then I thought about the money I had sitting in my bag and realized that as of today, all my bills for the month are accounted for. I do not need to take another appointment this month if I so choose. On the other hand, I feel as though I should cram in as much work as possible before things get serious with Robert Redford, as I have a feeling they will.

Positive Things

The men I see are, for the most part, very much gentlemen with me. Though they are often married with children, they treat me like a princess, and make every effort to be "good boys". I have been lucky (knock on wood) to not have encountered anyone who has treated me with less than the utmost respect. I attribute this to my marketing presentation and screening, and I certainly hope it holds up.

The time I spend with men is about connecting. I make them feel like they and their pleasure are the most important thing in the world, and their problems as far away as possible. Making others feel good has always made me feel good, and I am not bothered by my current means to this end in the least. Before now, doing for others often meant that I was not doing for myself. We all win, this way.

A Simple Fact

Before I started escorting, I often felt guilty and sometimes used after having casual sex with someone. I enjoyed sex, but rarely had an emotional attachment to go along with it. And so, I did what men wanted because it pleased them, and I took what I wanted that pleased me. I used and was used and I hated the whole mindset that was involved.

Do not misunderstand me. I was getting as well as I gave. I wanted it too. Sexual release was my only goal; emotional attachment was the enemy. Still, it all felt wrong.

Now put money into the equation. Magically, cash erases all my negative feelings about these situations. Approaching sex as a business actually lightens my emotional load (no pun intended). I do not feel guilt about accepting money for my time and sex, certainly not the guilt I felt after a "walk of shame" to my car from some guy's house, or after waking someone up and kicking him out of my bed in the morning.

I may go so far as to say I feel empowered. I am afraid to give this feeling up for anything less than the most mind-blowing relationship on earth. And who can guarantee, or even realistically offer, that? I do not see it happening. Especially when I am not sure I am capable of accepting and contributing to such an opportunity.

Another Week

I had some exceptional clients over the past few weeks. One, Meyer, spoiled me rotten during our extended visit and has declared me an addiction. Not many salacious details to give about him as he was an older gentleman who was much more interested in the company than the fucking. I enjoyed his company, and will be seeing him again.

Another, George Clooney, had a total "wow factor". He was extremely attractive, stunningly fit, marvelously well-endowed, and easy-going and funny to top it off. He has been inquiring about a Caribbean getaway which I certainly will not pass up. Mr. Clooney left my head spinning -- what a find.

A couple not-so-interesting clients: The financial advisor who was pushy, stingy and bordering on whiny, while declaring that I am his newfound favorite. This annoys me. If you make the dough and enjoy me and my company that much, what is there to discuss? It certainly does not endear you to me to have to endure your haggling and baragin discount negotiations. Nor does it work to declare that I should not leave yet because you did not get your "two rounds" in. You are paying me by the hour, not by how often you get off, and if your time is up, I am sorry, but your time is up. Either compensate me for more or I am out the door.

My least favorite client recently was one whose penis reminded me of a dog's phallus. Uncircumsized -- I have learned that I far prefer them circumsized -- and not much larger than my index finger, with a miniscule set of balls. I was afraid the condom would fall off him. Not really enjoyable in any way or fashion, but I was well-compensated, so I should not complain.

***********

Now, the new man -- I shall have to give him a name. Robert Redford. Yes, I like that.

Robert Redford has me quite confused. I am becoming more and more attracted to him, and less able to show it. I want to spend as much time as possible with him, but know that I must maintain some distance in order to keep working, and so I withdraw so as not to seem too eager.

We still have not had sex, unless you count the oral variety, and this confuses me also. Not the reasons for it, just the practicality of it. I feel as though I am a Catholic schoolgirl who is determined to not have sex, while performing every other sexual act possible without penetration. It is most frustrating because Robert Redford is the one man I want to feel inside me, the one I most want to satisfy me.

Alas, we are not lovers, only friends, and I do not know if that will change. If I want it to, I will probably have to make it happen, and I do not know if that is such a good idea right now. Unless I acquire several serious benefactors, it is looking as though it will be at least another year before I can pay off my debt.

Can I Date?

The man I recently met has definitely gotten my attention. I have seen him a couple times since last week, brief visits that have left me craving more time with him. And, for once, I am taking it slow.

The idea of taking appointments while I am seeing him is not what is bothering me at this point. It is the idea of having to be somewhat accountable for my time to another person. He (to whom I have yet to give a name) and I have not slept together yet, so maybe my point of view will change, but currently I consider my job and whatever is happening with him to be completely separate parts of my life. I would like to keep it that way.

I am feeling uptight about this because he asked me tonight what my schedule was like over the next week. "Let's see," I thought, "one appointment tomorrow afternoon, one rescheduled appointment tomorrow evening -- the one whose cancellation today allowed you and I to spend time together tonight, two possible appointments awaiting verification the next couple days, and one final confirmed appointment on Thursday morning."

What I actually said was, "Well, I'm busy Monday night, but other than that I should be pretty free." Not true, but easier to say.

This becomes a problem because he does not have a 9-to-5 office job. He has a lot of discretionary time during the day. He knows that I "work from home", so if we begin to spend time together, how do I explain all the work I do away from home?

Clearly I am jumping the gun. I cannot even say that we are dating, but the connection we have is something strong enough to give me pause. It is just that I am enjoying my relatively newfound freedom and current financial gains, and I do not want to ruin it. By the same token, I have to weigh what I really want out of my life as a whole, something I have been touching on and repressing in my mind for quite some time now. Financial solvency is only a short-term goal. The time is fast approaching when I will be forced to face the music and re-evaluate my life.