diary of the call girl next door

I'm a pretty simple girl who has taken up escorting to help pay off school debts. I know that I catch eyes on the street, but I see myself as the girl next door. Or, more accurately, the girl in the apartment next to you who happens to be a call girl. Here is where I try to keep track of my evolution in the industry.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Crack In The Facade

I am being forced to question a lot of the ideals in my life -- what do I truly want out of life, what are my goals, what is my motivation?

I have always been introspective, oftentimes to a fault, I am sure. I can become overly brooding and moody when left to my own devices. Most people do not see this side of me as I can be an extrovert when needed. And for the past couple years, especially during the time frame since I started escorting, I have conveniently focused on the extrovert side and ignored my nagging thoughts about my inner self.

"Where are you going?"

"What matters to you?"

"What do you contribute to the world?"

"Do you truly care about anything?"

It is so easy to flit through life, aimless but for the goal of getting through the next day, the next week, paying off this month's bills. With no goals, it is easy to scoff at the idea of a relationship. Why would I need or want one? Every second, every minute of every day is all about me, right here, right now. This mindset does not bother me. Not really. Not very much. Maybe a little.

Maybe even a lot. I just do not want to see it.