Be Careful

I am having an intense battle with myself regarding work vs. Robert Redford. Up to now, neither he nor I have consented to dating anyone for an extended period of time, mainly for the same reasons: We do not want to waste our time in unfulfilling relationships. So then, why are we seeing each other? If it is because either of us sees that there may be something more intense, more lasting here, well, that is a bit scary.

And through our conversations and time together, I have learned that he is a man who fully respects women and does not take sex lightly. I am completely intimidated by this. To be honest, I have never dated a man who took the time to establish my boundaries before the deed; in fact, I have never really dated a man without sex involved in one of our first meetings.

While I am careful in my work, I am not ultra-conservative regarding safety. I do not use dental dams or latex gloves, I do not always use condoms during blowjobs. Sex, of course, never happens without a condom. I understand the risks associated with my decisions and accept them.

Except now, I am getting worried. If Robert Redford and I take this further, and I keep working, I would not be okay with the risk of contracting an STD. He and I have talked about testing and when our last tests were conducted. If I came down with something, it would be obvious that at the very least I was "cheating" on him (another topic entirely). So if I plan to continue working, I would have to move toward keeping everything completely covered -- and even then I think I would be nervous.

I apologize if I am rambling. I am just very confused. I am trying to plan extended engagements, confirm travel trips over the next couple months, set up meetings with girls who are coming into town, and work on business and accounting strategies. Besides all this, I need the cash. The thought of turning off the pipeline anytime soon just bewilders me -- what would I do? Not only would I need a replacement for the money, but do I really want to give up running the business that I do?

I will have to make a choice. I think Robert Redford is a worthy addition to my life; one that I am not quite willing to pass up. I made the decision to go after him and now I have to consider the consequences.

Either I will give up escorting and give Robert Redford a shot, or I will become a much different person than I have ever been up to this point -- living a life based on deceit and lies. There are very few lies I have to tell to cover up my current situation. I work enough at my other business to cover for the money I make, which all goes to paying off debt anyway, and I spend so little time with any single person that nobody notices how often I go on dates. My current level of fear of getting caught is quite low, not only because of the precautions I take, but also because there is nobody around who would be particularly hurt by my lifestyle. Put off, maybe, but not in a way that would affect them personally. Bringing a relationship into the equation means that someone else could be severely affected should I be discovered.

I have begun looking for a straight job, partially in order to help pay off my debt faster, but the prospect depresses me mightily. Not so much because of the change in earning power -- I am less concerned with earning power than with the actual dollars brought in each month -- but because I am an entrepreneur at heart. This business fills that need.

It probably would not be too hard to find a job that pays, monthly, what I have been averaging since I came into my own. As I have said, I am low-volume, and while I bring in much more money than I ever did in previous jobs, my income is not outrageous.

It appears that I have a lot to think about. In the meantime, I must get ready for tonight's appointment.