The Fantasy of Intimacy

I have had many clients tell me, in so many words, "You're either a phenomenal actress, or I'm DA MAN."

I certainly never thought of myself as an actress, but the truth is that there has really only been one client who truly rocked my world. For the rest, I often have to put in a fairly serious amount of fantasizing and, I suppose, acting. Sometimes I do come from their ministrations, but it can be a battle.

It is odd to me, because prior to this point in my life, I never had to fake orgasms. They came to me easily and copiously. I can fake them well because I know them well; I know exactly how my body reacts when I come. No fake porn star screams from me, just well-timed muscle contractions, an alteration of breathing patterns, and perhaps some feigned sensitivity.

Non-sexual intimacy on the companionship level is something that can be tricky. When I begin any appointment, I am usually "on". I am there to do my job, play the part, and I enjoy doing so. Usually I do not even realize or remember that I am in character until something happens that my real persona just cannot ignore. For example, having my brain probed with a tongue via my ear canal nauseates me. There are a lot of little moments and sometimes phrases that can immediately snap me out of my companionship phase and bring me back to myself. This is not always the client's fault; sometimes I have an association with an activity or words that reminds me of another relationship or situation.

Once I am brought back to reality, I feel the strain of the acting. Inwardly, I begin rolling my eyes at every overture of affection. Outwardly, I show nothing and apparently encourage him, because around this time is when the clients start emotional confessions to me, which just makes things worse.

The hardest part for me to deal with right now is when I have succeded in "snagging" the client, and he has bought into it completely. He has gotten hooked on me. He wants to see me over and over, but because we have such a remarkable connection (from his end), and because he is such a unique client (according to him, but only because I made him feel that way), we should have a much less strict business relationship.

Whoa. This is where I get flustered. Inwardly, of course. I try to gently remind such clients that business is business. Other men pay me my standard fee for extended periods of time, so why should I accept your bargain-discount offer for the same period? Oh wait, because we have such a special connection, because nobody treats me as well as you, because you can tell that I like you better than other clients.

By this point I have spent a lot of time working on the atmosphere for the client. I hate to bring it all crashing down by denying his requests, by implying that in fact, he really is nothing special to me, no more so than anyone else who pays my bills.

Because this keeps happening, I have finally realized that I am acting a significant part of the time. I am wondering if I will be able to have the repeat high-dollar clientele who are often looking for much more than sexual intimacy. That was always my goal, and I could see so clearly how I would attend to my clients' every need, sexual and non-sexual, but faced with the reality of it, I have to wonder. Is it me, or is it my clients?

I will be honest and say that I believe it is my clients. Way to pass the buck, I know. But I am only discussing the problem cases in this entry -- it is true that I have the rare client to whom I will give my best, the client who accepts my gift and treasures it, the client who, well, does not try to bargain with me. And with these gentlemen, I have no problem; I feel a friendly affection towards them. I know they feel more romantic, perhaps, towards me than I towards them, but it is okay.

What it comes down to, I am guessing, is volume. The diamond in the rough cliché. I am still a low-volume provider; I know the exact number of clients I have had and I still remember each of them. With time will come the keepers; until I meet them, I continue my facade with the rest.